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Read some of Pat's articles:  How to Do Things

http://www.howtodothings.com/user/mamapat

I was honored to be a speaker at a rally for shared parenting at the capital building in Atlanta, GA.  The following is the text of that speech.  See www.billsarena.com for more information on this subject--Pat.

Walk for Shared Parenting Speech

Welcome everyone!  How about a thank you for Bill?  Hasn’t he done a great job putting this all together?

I have a feeling we may be out here in a few years working on his campaign for President—what do you think?

It is a great honor to speak to all of you today.  Bill, thank you for asking me to be part of this event.  Each one of us is here for a reason.  We all have a story that supports this effort.  Let me tell you mine.

Who am I and why am I here today?

As Bill told you, my name is Pat Montgomery and I have a talk show called Parents Rule!  It can be heard in Sandy Springs on Radio Sandy Springs am 1620 or can be heard on the web on www.radiosandysprings.com. 

My show encompasses all parenting issues.  I met Bill and his dad Sam when they came on my show last year to talk about Bill’s website and this Walk. 

Bill touched my heart because I am divorced from the father of my children and I have children who are divorced.  My children were 4, 6 and 8 when we divorced.  It is a sad commentary of our time that there are so many divorces, but it is a fact of life.

The important thing is that we parents do not use our children as weapons in the process!  I have seen too many people do that and I have seen the painful results of it.  This shameful practice has to stop!

Today I have two aspects of my life to share with all of you.  First, I know first hand that what Bill is proposing can work.  I have seen it in my own life.  My ex and I have obviously not always gotten along or agreed on things—or we would not be divorced. 

One thing we are both proud of, however, is that we tried to never put the kids in the middle of our problems.  At the time of our divorce, we talked about the effect the divorce would have on our children.  That day we made several decisions and came to an agreement over how to explain the divorce to our children and how to conduct ourselves in front of the kids. 

Once we were divorced, we did not argue around the kids, we did not use them as pawns in a game, and we did not let them play one of us against the other.  We agreed not to say bad things about the other in front of the kids.  For the most part we stuck to those agreements.  Sometimes it was hard. 

Many times I had to force myself to stop and think about what I was about to say or do and decide if it was in the best interest of my children.  I am sure he had to do the same.  And unfortunately, I was not always restrained.  My daughter was listening to me rehearse this speech and agreed this was true.  She said she remembers times  with both of us would start to say something negative, then catch ourselves, and change the subject.

My ex and I communicated and learned to cooperate.  I did not rake him over the coals for high child support payments that he could not afford.  On the other hand, when the kids needed something I could not afford, he never turned us down.  When I asked him to take the kids to get new shoes, or pay for a field trip, or get a new dress for my daughter, he was always there.

On Christmas morning, Santa always came to my house—his idea, not mine, although it was one I was eager to agree to.  But my ex was always there.  He would come in very early on Christmas morning or sleep on the couch and wait for the kids to wake up and open presents.  Then if it was his year to spend Christmas with them, he would take them home with him that afternoon.

When my children wanted to speak to or see their dad, they did.  When he wanted to spend time with them, he did.  When I called him to tell him that he needed to come get them out of the house for an hour for the sake of my sanity, he did, too.

The kids got to spend time with both sets of grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles.  And they are better off for it.  My family live nearby so that was never a problem, but his lived in PA.   

The summer after our divorce, my ex asked if he could take the kids to PA for the summer to visit his family.  The whole summer?  Was he crazy?  I agreed to let them go for two weeks.  Near the end of that two weeks, the kids called me.  They were having such a good time playing with their cousins who were the same age and letting the grandparents spoil them and they wanted to stay longer.

So I let them stay.  I knew they were being well taken care of.  And so the odyssey to spend every summer in PA began and continued until they graduated from high school. 

The grandparents gave them golf lessons and tennis lessons and trips to the beach—things I could not provide for them.  Spending the summer with me would have just meant more babysitters and no vacations.

It was hard on me—I really missed them, but then it wasn’t about me, was it?  Why don’t more people understand that?  How can you profess to love your children and only think about yourself? 

My ex and I had some screaming fights about the kids over the years—don’t let anyone tell you different.  But now we are all one big family.  He and I both have someone else wonderful to share our lives with and we all get together for holidays and special family times.  My current husband even calls my ex his “husband in law”!

Our kids know both of us—all our good points and bad ones.  We have both been there—without conflict—for all of the important moments of their lives.  They have never had a day when they wondered if either of us loved them.

He and I are not threatened by each other—or by each other’s significant other.  I am very proud of the fact we have never made the kids feel like they had to choose one of us over the other! 

Children cannot have too many people who love them in their lives.  They did not cause the problems between their dad and me.  We tried very hard not to make them pay the price.

I am not trying to set myself up as some perfect specimen of parenthood.  I am not.  My ex and I both made a lot of mistakes and there where definitely some big bumps in the road, but bottom line--we found a way to work it out because our children’s welfare was our primary consideration.

Isn’t that all Bill is asking for?  I don’t think it is too much!!  Do you?

The second point I want to make today concerns my son—actually he is my stepson, but I love him dearly and sometimes forget that he is not my real son.  Mason is in the US Navy, has earned many awards and commendations, is working toward a college degree—and was selected as Sailor of the Year this year on his base.  He is a good man and a son to be proud of.

Several years ago, Mason was living with his now ex-wife in Missouri when he decided to enlist.  They had two children and one on the way and he was not able with only a high school education to provide for his family the way he wanted to.

He was in law enforcement and was disillusioned.  The work was not as interesting as he hoped and of course the pay was very low.  The prospects for college looked dim with the family responsibilities he now had, so he felt like he was on a dead end road.

The Navy offered him way to do something he would enjoy doing and also provide a way for him to further his education and make a better life for his young family.

Long story short, while he was away training and looking for a house for the family at his first base, she had an affair and ended the marriage.

He was devastated but kept trying to spend as much time as possible with the kids—by now there were three.  He was going back and forth from Texas to Missouri as often as he could.  All the while, she kept trying to prevent him from seeing them or speaking to them.

His next duty was an overseas post and she had what she wanted.  It was very expensive for him to travel to see the kids and she refused to allow visits.  In order for him to see the kids, he has had to go to court each time to force her to turn them over, as well as paying for the trip. 

No way would she allow them to come to where he was stationed to spend the allotted summer visitation time.  In fact, she will not even allow him to speak with them on the phone.  He has not seen his kids now in almost 2 years and has only spoken to them a handful of times by phone.  

When he calls she either doesn’t answer the phone or just tells him that they do not want to speak to him.  On the rare occasion that he does get one of them on the phone, he can hear her whispering to them in the background and they won’t stay on the phone very long.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone here?

She also will not give him email access to the kids and tells them that he has deserted them and does not love them anymore. 

Has this happened to you or anyone you know?

He is a good father, to them and to his stepdaughter.  Those children should be allowed the chance to know him.  His ex, like so many, is selfish and not thinking of her children.  Either she doesn’t care or she doesn’t know the damage she is doing to our grandchildren. 

A child who believes that one or both of their parents do not love them is damaged for life.  It is a loss that will forever have a negative impact on that child!  All of our initial self worth is based on the fact that our parents love us and take care of us. 

If we think that a parent has deserted us or does not love, then why would anyone else ever care about us?  Small psyches are so difficult to repair when damaged.

And what does the court system do for Mason and the kids?  Nothing!  When he ponies up the cash for an attorney, it takes a couple of his leave days in court time, and then they force her to let him see them for a couple of days. 

The sheriff’s office will not enforce the visitation.  One judge actually had the audacity to tell him that if he wanted to see his kids, he should work closer to where they live.  Do any of you know of any Navy bases in Missouri???  How many military people have complete control over where they are stationed?

She even convinced the last judge that the kids could not go visit him because he was a flight risk with them!!  A flight risk??  He is in the United States Navy for God’s sake.  Besides, how much of a flight risk could he be on an enlisted sailor’s pay anyway?

What a high price my son is paying for service to our country.  And no one helps him—not law enforcement, not the courts, not the military!  It breaks my heart to see his pain and something needs to be done!

My children had the benefit of getting to know their dad’s family and being part of their lives because I loved them enough to let that happen.  These three grandchildren have not seen their grandfather and me for 3 years. 

It is not that we are so special—we are just normal people.  But we love them and want to be part of their lives and I believe we could have a positive role in their lives—even if is only that they know two more people in this world love them.

The courts and the legislatures across this country need to wake up.  I see hateful manipulative people having custody of a child just because they are women or because they know someone and have managed to screw over their ex.  And these same people find ways to limit the other parents’ access to the children.  

What is the result of that?  They are raising another generation of people to be just like them!

I know several cases in which the custodial parent is the not the better parent and the child would be so much better off with the other one.  But because the child is not in immediate risk of physical harm, nothing can be done.  If, as Bill proposes, both parents were recognized as valuable to the child, this would no longer be a problem.  The child would be influenced by both parents, as well as have no doubts of the love of either parent.

This is why I am here today—to fight for the rights of Mason and those of you in his situation. 

Mason deserves better!  His children deserve better!  You deserve better!  Our children and grandchildren deserve better.

 Time to Vote!

As parents it is important not only to cast informed votes, but to teach our children to do so. Many people have forgotten that this country is of the people, for the people, and by the people.  Instead we have released our control to be of the special interests, for politicians who have never held a real job, and by the fringes of both parties.

It is time to stand up, take our country back from the elitists and radicals, and a positive example for our kids. 

• Teach them how to know what the main issues are and how each candidate stands on the issues.
• Encourage them to do their own research on  the candidates past records on those issues.
• Have frequent discussions about the topics and what each person has discovered
• Let them see you vote--not just this year, but in every election.  Often, local elections affect you personally more that the national ones do, yet far fewer people bother to vote.
• Discuss core values and which candidate best reflects those of your family.
  
• If your child disagrees with you, that is okay.  Just discuss it; don't denigrate their opinion.
• Having said that, it does not hurt to challenge a point of view for stimulating conversation.  Don't be surprised if they challenge you too.
  

 New baby coming (note: our new baby came on Oct 15, 2008 and he is adorable!)

We are expecting a new baby in our family in the next few weeks.  This is such an exciting time.  My baby boy is going to be a dad and he will be a good one.  His wife, my beautiful daughter in law, is going to be a warm and loving mom--just like our other family moms are--my daughter, my step daughter, and my step daughter in law. 

We are busy planning showers and buying too much stuff for the new baby boy. As a grandma, it is so easy to want to take the load off of my children and handle a lot of the details myself so they have one less thing to worry about. 

But that would not be a good thing.  I need to step back and let them prepare for their baby in their own way.  They may not do things like I would have done them, bu it is not my decision.  Now is their time--their decisions. 

The best I can do for them now is to act when asked, give advice when consulted, and love them and the new baby.  The last one is easy.  The other two are not as easy, but with each successive baby arrives, it gets a little easier.   

 Pregnancy Pact

See my blog at www.parentsrulewithpat.blogspot.com.  The pregnancy pact in Gloucester High School in Massachusetts should make all parents stand up and say, "Holy Crap!  What is going on?"

Every child should learn about sex and parenting from their parents.  It is not easy to talk about those subjects, but do not avoid them.  I remember my kids making fun of me when I wanted to "have the talk", but we had it anyway.  Let them know that you are always willing to discuss anything with them, no matter how awkward the topic.

Secondly, always make sure your kids know how much you love them.  They need unconditional love from you--not from a baby they make because they are feeling unloved.  

Accidents can happen in sexually active teens.  But this was different.  These girls went out and tried to get pregnant.  Make sure it doesn't happen to your teen.

 Beach safety tip

Okay, we are coming up on summer and need to start thinking about safety.  I am actually at the beach right now--I know.. you hate me, but just remember I will be working while you are enjoying your vacation. 

Anyway, I saw several families digging deep holes in the sand.  So much fun to get in and play fort, etc.  But let me please request that if you do that, you fill it back up before you leave the beach.  Why should you do that?  I thought the ocean movements would just take care of that for me, but unfortunately that is not true. 

What actually happens is the hole is partially filled.  The hole remains, but is difficult to see and sometimes has a quicksand-like effect.  Every year, people die or are injured by one of these holes!  Who knew?? 

So protect your children and others by filling in the holes you dig in the sand.  It is a small thing, but could save a life!
 

A great Mother's Day present... 

Tell your teen daughter that you want a special present for Mother's Day this year.  It is time to stop with the trashy dressing that is diminishing her self-respect and the respect of others around her.  Talk to her about how that kind of dressing tells other people that she does not take herself seriously and they shouldn't either. 

Changes don't come easily, rather one step at a time.  So tell her that she gets to pick out one thing in your closet that she does not like (be prepared to lose your favorite outfit..) and you will pick out something of hers.  You can then either burn them, throw them away, or donate them to a charity.  Then you help each other find something you both are happy with! 

Every time she wears that outfit, tell her how great she looks.  Offer to take her shopping again a few weeks later, but this time she gets to pick a trashy outfit to discard. 

As she is gradually changing her wardrobe, she will not be a social outcast.  That will make it more palatable to her. 

The same thing will work for your son and those ridiculous droopy pants down under his butt cheeks.

Welcome to Spring!!

Spring is my favorite time of the year and not only because that is when my birthday is!  Everything is coming back to life after the winter of rest and rejuvenation.

We have more energy, and so do our children--if that if even possible.  The weather is warm, but not too hot.   Flowers and new buds on trees are everywhere.  The air smells clean.  Birds are returning from migrations.

This is a terrific time to spend some quality time with your kids.  Many opportunities exist for this, as follows:

• Plant some flowers together.  Seeds are great.  You can start them in the house and keep watch on them.  The children will be so excited about watching the small plants emerge from the dirt and then planting it outside.  When it finally blooms, everyone can celebrate.
• Take walks together.  Enjoy the neighborhood, the wooded trails, or a little park in town.  Breathe the fresh air.  Get your kids away from the TV or the computer for a little while.  Have a conversation with them.
• Bike rides are great fun.  If you all have bikes most towns have an area in which it is safe. 
• Play in yard.  Run and jump with the kids.  Play ball.  Play games.  Too many adults care "what others might think."  Rubbish!  Get out and play.  Having children is a wonderful reason to act like a kid yourself.  Trust me, when you get older you will wish you had done more of it.
• Make a game out of who sees the first robin or the first bluebird--or even the first snake.  The more your children are involved in understanding nature, the more they will appreciate it and help to preserve it.
• Go to the local playground.  You get to spend some time with some other moms and your child plays with other children.  It is important in their development to learn to share and cooperate.  A playground is a great place to grow those skills.

There are so many things to do as a family--especially in the spring.  Don't lose one second of fun with your kids!

It's a New Year

At the beginning of a new year, take a few minutes to review the pleasures and pains of parenting over the past year.  Sit down with your child and discuss it together.

Think of ways you can create improved communication.  If your child is always butting heads with you, talk to him about it.  Try to find a cause.  Sometimes children are difficult because they are trying to be independent.  This is not a bad thing!  It will keep them from being 30 and sitting on your couch playing video games while you are still doing his laundry.

Find ways to include your child in decisions which concern her.  Ask for input or advice.  Always remember that you are the final decision maker but it is okay to not be a complete dictator.  Encourage independent thinking.  But be a guide in that path.  The more decisions she makes under your tutelage, the better decisions she will make one day on her own.

 Holiday Pointer

When your children have presents to buy--Christmas, Hannukah, birthday, and so forth--never just hand them cash.  Make a list of extra chores with a dollar amount attached to it.  Make sure the chores and the dollar amount are suitable for the child's age and your budget.  Then let them pick what they want to do to earn the money they need.

Don't force them to pick anything, but also do not give them money if they don't.  Don't be overly critical when a job is not done to your satisfaction.  Praise what they have done and show them what else needs to be done to get it right.

Give them a lot of verbal praise for a job well done.

Pay promptly and take them to buy their presents very soon after they have earned it.  It is when they are the proudest of buying something "with their own money."

You then given them the gift and lesson of working for something and learning to appreciate the value of money and hard work.  One of our jobs as parents is make sure our children are "money-wise" and this is a great way to reinforce that.

My kids got to where they started asking about Thanksgiving for the list and the first one there always picked the hardest chore, which had the largest dollar amount.  They are all very good with money today as adults. I am sure this helped with that learning. 

Use every day

Each parenting day you are given is critical to you and to your child.  Never miss an opportunity to bond with and love that child.  On the other hand, never miss an opportunity to teach your child independence and how to be a good decision-maker.

When your child has a problem, big or small, admit it to yourself and deal with it.  The worst thing you can do is to ignore it.  You see it, you know it.  Don’t let another day go by without addressing in whatever way is truly appropriate—always with love, even if it has to be tough love.

Stop worrying about what the neighbors or business associates will think.  Think of what is best for your child and your family.  Nothing else in life matters!

Use the headlines

Michael Vick has been an icon for many young people. He is a great example of how making poor decisions life can negatively impact a life.  Talk to your kids about Vick's situation.  Use this and other examples you find in the news to teach your children right from wrong, good decison making skills, and that they need to be careful who it is they admire and emulate. 

This is wonderful tool to use because it keeps the discussion impersonal.  You are not seen as criticizing them or their friends.  It is a level playing field for them and they will respond.

Keep your sense of humor.

As you proceed through the steps of parenting life, many distractions occur that test even the best sense of humor--there are financial issues, discipline issues, sometimes marital issues, career demands, and so much more.  Stop at some point every day and find something to laugh about.  Don't ignore something funny that happens because you are having a rough day.

Your children are such a source of enjoyment.  Never mind that Susie did not do the dishes or Paul forgot to mow the lawn or that the baby was up half of the night crying.  Think back to fun times you have had with them, remember every detail as you close your eyes.  Cast your thoughts to places you want to take them or things you want to share with them.  You will find your mood lifting and you will smile in spite of yourself. 

Maintaining your ability to laugh improves your health and improves your relationships with your spouse and your children.  In the words of Van Wilder (from the movie Van Wilder), "Don't take life too serious.  You won't get out alive."  

No whining. 

This seems to be a perfect fit with tip #1.  I do not care if you do not have the money for a new dress or that new golf club you have had your eye on because the kids had to go to camp.  So what if your boss is mad because you had to leave early to get to a ball game?

These children are in your life for a very short span of time.  After they are on their own you will have more time than you want to work or shop or whatever.  Focus on them!  Be with them and really BE WITH THEM, not just around them. You will find that you are having too good of a time to whine about little stuff.